A Decepticon's Guideline to Dealing with Fangirls
by LeaderPinhead
Summary: "Because every Decepticon needs to know how to deal with these vile creatures..." -brief excerpt provided by the great and glorious Megatron. [A completely pointless one-shot]


**AN: **Hello :D I know I should be working on _A New Version of Reality_, and I am…seriously. But I got a sudden itch to write a one-shot, and that itch involved a former idea of mine, which has been adopted by **Trapezoidal**, called _Fangirl, Meet Decepticon._ It's completely cracky compared to how I wanted the original idea to be, but with the way I write maybe that's a good thing. Plus, a one-shot is a pretty good way to bring in the new year :)

Be aware that this is complete and utter crack developed in the timespan of about ten seconds. I'll probably regret it later, but I wanted to write it!

Slight warning! Um...OC death.

Time Units  
Groon: ~1 hour  
Megacycle: 2.6 hours  
Stellar cycle: ~7.5 months

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A Decepticon's Guideline to Dealing with Fangirls

A Transformer/Beast Wars One-Shot

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Megatron glowered down from his throne at his incompetent followers. Except for Soundwave. Soundwave was a very competent pawn, who followed his every order because of his undying loyalty to the sexy mass of grey Cybertronian sitting on his wonderful throne.

Megatron was so convinced by his thoughts that he didn't notice said loyal Decepticon, who stood beside his throne, flinch and take a slight step to the side. Oh, the woes of being a mind reader.

"I will not ask this again. What made you believe that I would care about that…_thing_ you hold before me?" Megatron growled with a scowl.

Skywarp looked down at his hand and shrugged. "I really don't know. TC just said I couldn't squish it unless I was willing to clean up after myself, and I don't even do that now." He shrugged again. "Maybe you can have it as a pet?"

"If you haven't noticed I am currently in the middle of a _war._ What use can a pet possibly be to me during this time?"

Skywarp looked between the unknown thing in his hand and the warlord a couple of times before holding his hand out further. "Stress reliever? Or you can dress it up like Optimus Prime and squish it to finally feel what it's like to beat him!"

Thundercracker, who had been standing behind the other Seeker, suddenly fell into a coughing fit as Megatron's scowl deepened. Skywarp, oblivious to the mistake he had just made, smiled naively. The grey Transformer stood from his throne and slowly approached the pair of Seekers. "Are you implying that I am _weak?"_

"No! I'm just saying-"

"That I can't defeat Optimus Prime on my own?"

"No! Come on. You're reading way too much into my words, which is a very stupid thing to do."

"Now I'm _stupid?"_

"Yes. I mean no! I mean…don't confuse me with my own words!"

If Megatron hadn't been angry at the implications made by the flyer, he would have smirked. One of his favorite pastimes, other than beating Optimus Prime (which he did on a regular basis!), was messing with some of the more…_challenged_ of his soldiers. It ranked right underneath beating Starscream.

Speaking of Starscream, where was that unbearable Seeker?

"All hail Starscream!"

"Shut up! That's still not as catchy as 'All hail Megatron!'"

"No, you shut up infidel!" Starscream yelled back as he promenaded into the throne room. "When I take over, you'll be the first to be executed."

"Yeah right; you can't even tell us apart!"

"I'll remember those words!" the tri-colored mech threatened before turning his full attention to the Decepticon warlord leaning over a slightly panicked Skywarp. "Megatron! You're supposed to be tormenting the Combaticons today, not attempting to rape my Seekers. I protest this!"

"Shut up Starscream," Megatron said with an annoyed sigh as he backed off the Seekers. Great, now his whole schedule was messed up; he wasn't even supposed to see Starscream until another a groon! "What are you even doing here?"

"I heard that my trine was currently speaking to you and immediately rushed over." Starscream paused as he finally noticed what was in the hand of his youngest trine mate. "Ew! What is that?"

"I don't know. I just found it in our room. Actually, it was lying on your berth."

"Fraggit! Now I have to decontaminate my berth _again."_ He glared meaningfully at Skywarp, who snickered at the remembrance of the slimy prank that had sent Starscream into a tizzy. Good times, good times. "Well, what are we going to do with it? I vote we throw it into the furnace!"

"And I say we wake it up," Megatron countered with a smirk as the Seeker puffed up in anger. It didn't matter if he was thinking the same thing—this was an opportunity to undermine Starscream. He could never pass up those opportunities. "Skywarp."

Skywarp nodded and proceeded to poke the thing in his hand. It stirred on the first poke, rolled over on the second, and groaned on the third and final poke. "Five more minutes…"

"What's a minute?"

"No, I order you to awake now," Megatron ordered, ignoring Thundercracker's whispered question, which was fine since the question had been directed to Soundwave as he was the only sane mech in the room besides the blue Seeker. The telepath shrugged and went back to grooming his feline Cassette.

The thing groaned again and slowly opened what must have been its optics. It looked around for a moment. "This isn't my room, and what is this hard thing I'm lying on?"

"Quiet! I ask the questions around here."

"No you don't! You never ask anything before doing something completely stupid!"

The thing snapped its small head around to watch Megatron unceremoniously punch Starscream. It gapped at the scene for a moment before saying "OMG!" over and over again. Skywarp tilted his helm and poked the thing in the back. "I think it's glitching now."

"You're _Starscream, _and you're _Megatron,"_ it gasped in awe while pointing at the two. "OMG! It's like a fanfiction! A fangirl gets zapped into the Transformers universe and meets her favorite Transformers."

"So you're a human?"

The human girl ignored Thundercracker's question and giggled while staring at Starscream, who took a step back while looking slightly perturbed. "Why are you giggling like that?"

"Because I know what's gonna happen," the girl sang in a high-pitched voice. Starscream took another step back as the other mechs in the room observed the exchange. "This is how every fanfiction I've ever read turns out. Fangirl gets sent to another universe, finds her dreamy mech, they fall in love after something dramatic happens, and they live happily ever after."

The Decepticons silently stared at her in absolute disbelief before one brave spark finally managed to utter a "What?"

"Exactly!" she said in excitement and turned to see who was holding her. "Oh, Skywarp! You're not as hot as your brother; can you pass me over to him?"

"How can I not be as hot? We look _exactly the same_; and are you blind? Black and purple are so much better than the colors splattered on _him."_

"Yeah, no. Give me to your brother _now." _

Starscream screeched and huddled behind Megatron, who shuttered his optics in surprise at the action, as Skywarp shrugged and tried handing off the human. "Keep it away! It's completely insane."

"OMG, this is so much better!" the fangirl squealed at a decibel that almost put Starscream to shame. "I always knew you guys were a canon couple."

Now it was Megatron who was looking openly perturbed, and Starscream screeched again before running out of the room. "The images! The images! I need the most powerful cleaner on the base quick. The images must cleansed from my processor as soon as possible!"

"Do all humans act this way?" Thundercracker threw his arms up into the air when it became apparent that no one planned on paying attention to him. "Is everyone just ignoring my existence now? Am I that unimportant?"

"Yes," Skywarp answered, turning his helm to see the other Seeker while keeping the girl facing Megatron. "You're just an unimportant supporting character for this plot who was only thrown in because the author likes you. Why did you even follow me you stalker?"

"Well, next time I won't follow and make sure you don't get taken offline because of something stupid you will inevitably say," the blue Seeker countered and stalked out of the room.

As the door to the room hissed shut, Megatron shook his helm and diverted his attention back to Skywarp instead of the human girl gushing about other "canon couples," whatever the frag that meant. "Weren't there two of you?"

"No, the unimportant one is just too unimportant to remember. Plus he's a stalker, so he shouldn't count in anything."

Megatron nodded as if the statement made complete sense, and the fangirl gasped as she finally caught sight of Soundwave, who had moved on from grooming Ravager to giving pets to Laserbeak as the bird Cassette sat on his shoulder. "Oh my- forget Starscream! Skywarp put me down!"

Skywarp shrugged and bent down to let her slide out of his hand. She dashed over to fawn at Soundwave's pede. "You're Soundwave! You're, like, so much cooler and mysterious in person, and Laserbeak is a little cutie! I bet all your Cassettes are that adorable, and you take such good care of them. You really are like a daddy with the way your petting Laserbeak so lovingly. When I become your spark-mate, I promise to take as good of care of them as you do, and they'll love me, and-"

Megatron and Skywarp watched as Soundwave, who had gone completely still while staring down at the human who was (dare he say it?) _humping his pede,_ lifted the pede the human was so intent on holding and brought it down with a mighty stomp, cutting off the human's nonsensical gibberish. He turned the pede slightly from side to side before acknowledging the other Decepticons' presence. "Annoyance: terminated. Next objective: Cassette bath time."

Laserbeak shrieked and flew ahead of Soundwave as they left the room. Megatron shrugged and turned to Skywarp. "Clean that mess up."

"What? If I cleaned up anything I would have just squished the thing in my room!"

"That's an order!"

"Let me just go get the unimportant character. They always love to clean up stuff."

Megatron thought about it and nodded. "Fine, but it better be cleaned up before I return. I refuse to sit beside that waste."

The warlord was the next to leave the room, and Skywarp took a cautious step towards the last place the fangirl had stood, standing on the tips of his pedes and craning his neck. He scrunched up his nose, said "Ew," and walked out of the room without a second glance.

**[]**

A Decepticon's Guideline to Dealing with Fangirls

By the mighty, glorious, and any other positive/powerful adjectives, Lord Megatron

"Because every Decepticon needs to know how to deal with these vile creatures, I will provide you morons with a quick and easy guide.

1.) Squish the little vermin before they have a chance to say anything. It is a quick and painless procedure and saves you from the agonizing thoughts that may occur if the vermin is allowed to spout off nonsense for too long.

One simple rule is all that is needed to deal with this tiny menace, and if you can't do that, then you are all-"

"Megatron!"

Megatron sighed and put the datapad down. And just when he had been getting to the good part too.

Starscream stomped into the throne room, waving a similar datapad around above his head. "You will pay for this!"

"Pay for what Starscream?"

"You stole my idea!"

Megatron coyly smirked and elegantly rose from his place seat of power. "But _Starscream_, I thought we shared _everything_ with each other."

The Seeker backtracked as quickly as he entered the room. "No, the images! They are returning! Stay away from me you spawn of the Unicron!"

Megatron cackled and chased after Starscream, who screeched all the way down the halls of the base. Soundwave watched them pass him as he flattened himself against a wall to avoid them. Rumble and Frenzy, who hung loosely from the bigger mech's shoulders, watched the occurrence with amusement. "Can we get another fangirl? _Please_ boss?"

"No," was Soundwave's immediate and final response as he turned to continue through the base. He paused when he turned the corner and found Skywarp hurrying towards him, servos cupped in front of him as if holding something. "Skywarp."

"Uh, hey Soundwave," Skywarp said nervously. "I'm not doing anything." There was a muffled scream from his hands and he quickly shushed at it before attempting to smile innocently at the telepath. "Absolutely nothing."

Soundwave stared blankly through his visor and stepped aside to allow the Seeker to pass. "Advice: keep away from me."

"Yeah, yeah," Skywarp said while dashing down the hallways. "I have to figure out what it eats so I can prove to TC that I can keep a pet alive longer than a megacycle. Although, I think we need to figure out what makes Starscream's berth so special because it's like it gives birth to a fangirl every stellar cycle now."

"How come he gets to keep one?" Frenzy whined when the Seeker had vanished from sight. "I'll take care of mine."

"Me too!"

Soundwave sighed as his twins began to argue about who could take better care of a fangirl. They wouldn't have been arguing with him if they had seen what had been floating around in that girl's head…there were few things in the world that made him want to shudder like those thoughts did.

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**AN:** There we go. My first official one-shot :3 Now hopefully I can get back to my main story.

Review, complain, or critique.

Transformers ©Hasbro


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